That happened to me. I used to just love John and R.C.'s sermons. I loved John's sermons about the end of things. I remember R.C.'s "The Tyranny of the Weaker Brother". I loved it. I amen'd right through it. I loved their presentation and the seriousness of their churches. No big screen televisions or flashly lights. Just the pulpit and the congregation and the echoes of the pastor, bouncing off the walls.
I was totally ignorant of Calvinism and before I knew what it was, I spiraled and was terrified I wasn't saved. I was suddenly robbed of all assurance and joy. I started wondering if I even had a reliable Bible. It is some of the most destructive stuff around. This has never left my memory. No gun, laceration, disease, man, or anything else has scared me like this did.
Read this. This is hideous and terrifying. From R.C. Sproul :
"Now as I said, I sure don’t want to end up in hell. But one thing I know for sure—if I do, if I’ve deceived myself all these years, and if I’m one who says, “Lord, Lord, didn’t I do this and didn’t I do that,” and He looks at me and says, “Please leave. I don’t know you,” and He sends me to hell—one thing I can promise you is that I’ll be a weeper, not a gnasher. Because if I know anything about theology, I know that if He sent me to hell tonight, I could make no just complaint against Him.
I’ve been guilty of treason—cosmic treason. Every time I have sinned, I’ve asserted my will over the will of my Creator. I have declared that I am sovereign, not the Lord God. I’ve worked against His kingdom, not for it. I’ve sinned against the holy and infinitely righteous being who owes me nothing. And if I wake up in hell, I will realize I’ve only received what my life has merited: not cruelty, not injustice, but perfect justice."
That is a testimony of no assurance and no salvation. It's a dice roll and as sure as your chances at the tables in Las Vegas. He admits he could be deceived and could as easily wake up in Hell as he could in Heaven and calls that perfect justice. That is ultimate blasphemy against the Cross. It may not get any worse than that. He completely denied the power of Jesus's salvific, remedial work on that dreadful hill. He denied the full pardon. It's important to know that these are currently the most dangerous people on earth. They give death in place of life and worse than a murderous warmonger, the death is eternal.