Z
Zephyr
Guest
(Edit, it was 1978 and 1979, I left the Lord in Jan 1980 and I was in darkness for 23 years)
I was a 17 year old homeless kid in 1978 the first time I tried to come to the Lord. I met a Pentecostal group in Southern California. They were the sort of people who went with the long dresses and long hair; the women looked like fairy tale princesses all dressed up in their Sunday best. They were a mixed bag, on one hand over the top legalistic, on the other hand several people were deeply spiritual. It was a lady named Laura who first explained to me about what they called walking in the Holy Spirit and who encouraged me to learn how by studying the Epistles of the New Testament (Acts-Jude). So they gave me some important foundation teaching, but they did not give me any way to figure out how to get my first job and get off the street.
I stayed with a family for a few weeks, but they were clearly uncomfortable with the arrangement, so I went back to the street. But I really wanted out of the street lifestyle, so in 1979, I went back to their church to try again. This time I stayed for a couple of months with a woman who was recovering from surgery. She was really kind, and she made a deep impression on me, but eventually I realized that I couldn’t stay at other people’s houses for the rest of my life. I also knew it was unrealistic to try to find an entry level job when I was expected to wear ankle length dresses at all times. I knew that when they got me baptized in the Holy Spirit and I received the Gift of Tongues that I wasn’t faking it. But I also know that I was going to live to be 19 at the rate things were going and I had to figure out how to have a future. So one day I walked down to the nearest interstate ramp, apologized to the Lord and headed back to the street to people who had a better understanding of secular reality than the church people did.
I fell into a horrific darkness. One of the worst things someone can do is make a sincere effort to accept Jesus Christ, then return to a sinful lifestyle. Some people think that satan only attacks Christians… Nothing could be further from the truth. The evil one takes great delight in destroying people who have no protection in the Lord….
Over the next 23 years, I lived in sin, and sin failed me. Sin failed me and failed all of my friends even as we thought we were having so much fun... Sin killed the man I called my brother, someone whom I loved as someone else would love their own child, parent or closest sibling. Sin didn't just kill Bruce, it tortured him to death -- slowly. And it tortured me to the brink of death watching it happen to him. Sin fails, That is the sole purpose of sin is to fail, that is the only thing sin can do, failing is the only thing sin does do. dear Bruce proved in the purest expression of insanity that I have ever had the horror to witness that when sin is killing you slowly, it can and does feel very good in an agonizing but irresistible way... Thus this thread, in which I will explain what a difference the commands of God made in my mind, my heart, my soul, and why I find Scripture of such great high value that I read It every day for Its own sake... And why I love Jesus Christ for Who He is... And why I so deeply respect what He is asking of me...
By 2003, I was what I call a recovering suicide. After Bruce finished losing his mind completely, I had had enough. I made a serious attempt to kill myself, but God intervened and I couldn’t do it. So more than anything else, I had to know why! I was searching for God, but I didn’t know who or what God was. I tried 3 different churches, and that went very poorly. In one church, two older ladies claimed to love me when they barely know my name and showed no interest in getting to know me. In another church, they were kind of Pentecostal, but very weird. The third church was very low key, but when some guy stared me in a barroom sort of way, that did it! I decided that Christians couldn’t possibly know God or they wouldn’t treat Him with such disrespect, so I turned to Paganism. I had decided that in the time before Christ, people were much closer to the truth about God and that Christianity had obscured Him. But over the 5 years between 1999 when I tried to kill myself and 2003 when a dear man led me to the Lord, I discovered that with Paganism, anything, and I do mean the worst kind of anything, was all good as long as they got what they wanted. It was only then that the Lord saw fit to open my eyes.
I have been estranged from my family for most of my life, so I never had enough stability to go to college. So in 2003, I was working for a contractor cleaning at a factory. Over the last 5 years in a mistaken search for the truth about God, I had peeked over the edge of the Abyss -- the real one, and I was very confused. I was sure there was something very wrong with the Pagan scene, and I was very serious about finding out who God really is and why He scared me so badly that I survived a very dark night in 1999. That’s how it was when Jonathan asked me did I believe in the Lord. I rounded on him and said I believe in God but I don’t believe in Jesus Christ. He stood in absolute confidence full of the Holy Spirit and said “The only way to the Father is through His Son Jesus Christ”.
This was the beginning of a series of very weird questions on my part and a series of very respectful and Biblically sound answers from Jonathan. He never made me feel stupid or weird, no matter what I asked over the next 11 months or so, he answered with respect and patience. I never would have made it without his sound, patient answers. I asked him about it six years later and he said the one thing he saw was that I was sincere. It took me 2 weeks of weird questions before I was ready to accept a Bible, but when I did I decided that the Bible would be my only guide to the truth about God. It says what it means and means what it says, no games, no “interpretations” was my approach. Jonathan started me in the Gospel of John, then I started in Acts and began to study the New Testament.
I loved what I was reading! The commands of the Bible became a haven of sanity for me! All the kind of things that had filled me with a terrifying anger and bitterness were things God told us to get away from. The Lord’s forgiveness was deeply precious as are His guidelines for how to live and why it matters. It took me a long time to grasp all the concepts of the Bible. For one, it took me a full 6 years to understand that I could be loved. It took 9 years to finally get free of the traces of the street and the hard edges… I went through a lot and I learned a lot. I tried living by the Bible and came to love how the Biblical lifestyle works. It’s been 20 years this year! Twenty years of ups and downs, times of terror, times of doubt, times of crushing loneliness, but through it all, the Lord has been faithful. I have learned what it’s like to have the Lord fight for me. I have experienced the peace that passes all understanding. I have learned the difference between demonic oppression and mistaken regular deception. I have learned that when everything seems hopeless, the Lord provides, often taking me by surprise. I have learned that Christianity and Sanctification heals even the worst wounds from within and that I can have absolute confidence in Jesus Christ and in the Bible. My journey from darkness to His Holy Light has been the most beautiful and profound experience possible. And this life is only the beginning!
In Christ, Z
I was a 17 year old homeless kid in 1978 the first time I tried to come to the Lord. I met a Pentecostal group in Southern California. They were the sort of people who went with the long dresses and long hair; the women looked like fairy tale princesses all dressed up in their Sunday best. They were a mixed bag, on one hand over the top legalistic, on the other hand several people were deeply spiritual. It was a lady named Laura who first explained to me about what they called walking in the Holy Spirit and who encouraged me to learn how by studying the Epistles of the New Testament (Acts-Jude). So they gave me some important foundation teaching, but they did not give me any way to figure out how to get my first job and get off the street.
I stayed with a family for a few weeks, but they were clearly uncomfortable with the arrangement, so I went back to the street. But I really wanted out of the street lifestyle, so in 1979, I went back to their church to try again. This time I stayed for a couple of months with a woman who was recovering from surgery. She was really kind, and she made a deep impression on me, but eventually I realized that I couldn’t stay at other people’s houses for the rest of my life. I also knew it was unrealistic to try to find an entry level job when I was expected to wear ankle length dresses at all times. I knew that when they got me baptized in the Holy Spirit and I received the Gift of Tongues that I wasn’t faking it. But I also know that I was going to live to be 19 at the rate things were going and I had to figure out how to have a future. So one day I walked down to the nearest interstate ramp, apologized to the Lord and headed back to the street to people who had a better understanding of secular reality than the church people did.
I fell into a horrific darkness. One of the worst things someone can do is make a sincere effort to accept Jesus Christ, then return to a sinful lifestyle. Some people think that satan only attacks Christians… Nothing could be further from the truth. The evil one takes great delight in destroying people who have no protection in the Lord….
Over the next 23 years, I lived in sin, and sin failed me. Sin failed me and failed all of my friends even as we thought we were having so much fun... Sin killed the man I called my brother, someone whom I loved as someone else would love their own child, parent or closest sibling. Sin didn't just kill Bruce, it tortured him to death -- slowly. And it tortured me to the brink of death watching it happen to him. Sin fails, That is the sole purpose of sin is to fail, that is the only thing sin can do, failing is the only thing sin does do. dear Bruce proved in the purest expression of insanity that I have ever had the horror to witness that when sin is killing you slowly, it can and does feel very good in an agonizing but irresistible way... Thus this thread, in which I will explain what a difference the commands of God made in my mind, my heart, my soul, and why I find Scripture of such great high value that I read It every day for Its own sake... And why I love Jesus Christ for Who He is... And why I so deeply respect what He is asking of me...
By 2003, I was what I call a recovering suicide. After Bruce finished losing his mind completely, I had had enough. I made a serious attempt to kill myself, but God intervened and I couldn’t do it. So more than anything else, I had to know why! I was searching for God, but I didn’t know who or what God was. I tried 3 different churches, and that went very poorly. In one church, two older ladies claimed to love me when they barely know my name and showed no interest in getting to know me. In another church, they were kind of Pentecostal, but very weird. The third church was very low key, but when some guy stared me in a barroom sort of way, that did it! I decided that Christians couldn’t possibly know God or they wouldn’t treat Him with such disrespect, so I turned to Paganism. I had decided that in the time before Christ, people were much closer to the truth about God and that Christianity had obscured Him. But over the 5 years between 1999 when I tried to kill myself and 2003 when a dear man led me to the Lord, I discovered that with Paganism, anything, and I do mean the worst kind of anything, was all good as long as they got what they wanted. It was only then that the Lord saw fit to open my eyes.
I have been estranged from my family for most of my life, so I never had enough stability to go to college. So in 2003, I was working for a contractor cleaning at a factory. Over the last 5 years in a mistaken search for the truth about God, I had peeked over the edge of the Abyss -- the real one, and I was very confused. I was sure there was something very wrong with the Pagan scene, and I was very serious about finding out who God really is and why He scared me so badly that I survived a very dark night in 1999. That’s how it was when Jonathan asked me did I believe in the Lord. I rounded on him and said I believe in God but I don’t believe in Jesus Christ. He stood in absolute confidence full of the Holy Spirit and said “The only way to the Father is through His Son Jesus Christ”.
This was the beginning of a series of very weird questions on my part and a series of very respectful and Biblically sound answers from Jonathan. He never made me feel stupid or weird, no matter what I asked over the next 11 months or so, he answered with respect and patience. I never would have made it without his sound, patient answers. I asked him about it six years later and he said the one thing he saw was that I was sincere. It took me 2 weeks of weird questions before I was ready to accept a Bible, but when I did I decided that the Bible would be my only guide to the truth about God. It says what it means and means what it says, no games, no “interpretations” was my approach. Jonathan started me in the Gospel of John, then I started in Acts and began to study the New Testament.
I loved what I was reading! The commands of the Bible became a haven of sanity for me! All the kind of things that had filled me with a terrifying anger and bitterness were things God told us to get away from. The Lord’s forgiveness was deeply precious as are His guidelines for how to live and why it matters. It took me a long time to grasp all the concepts of the Bible. For one, it took me a full 6 years to understand that I could be loved. It took 9 years to finally get free of the traces of the street and the hard edges… I went through a lot and I learned a lot. I tried living by the Bible and came to love how the Biblical lifestyle works. It’s been 20 years this year! Twenty years of ups and downs, times of terror, times of doubt, times of crushing loneliness, but through it all, the Lord has been faithful. I have learned what it’s like to have the Lord fight for me. I have experienced the peace that passes all understanding. I have learned the difference between demonic oppression and mistaken regular deception. I have learned that when everything seems hopeless, the Lord provides, often taking me by surprise. I have learned that Christianity and Sanctification heals even the worst wounds from within and that I can have absolute confidence in Jesus Christ and in the Bible. My journey from darkness to His Holy Light has been the most beautiful and profound experience possible. And this life is only the beginning!
In Christ, Z
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Your story is so remarkable, Zephyr! 
