Goodboy
Just waiting for the Rapture at this point!
Do You Judge, Criticize or Demand of Your Spouse?
The most important thing for a marriage is true love as defined in the bible. In case the reader is not aware of the 15 things the bible states about love, here they are.
1 Corinthians 13:4 Love is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or
1 Corinthians 13:5 rude. Love isn't selfish or quick tempered. It doesn't keep a record of wrongs that others do.
1 Corinthians 13:6 Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil.
1 Corinthians 13:7 Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting.
If you follow what the bible says regarding love, you will most likely have a good marriage. However, after love another main problem in marriages is lack of proper communication.
Studies have shown that a lack of honest communication is a major cause of problems in a marriage. So, we need to ask ourselves why is it so hard to have open and honest discussions with the person we love? I would submit that many times our primary motive for communicating is to talk “at” rather than “with” our spouse. Our interaction many times involves judgement, criticism and demands with an ultimate goal of forcing our spouse to change their behavior.
Communication is about perception and the way in which one processes information. It’s easy to misinterpret intent, which can cause one to be defensive and at that point shut down and stop considering what is being said.
A woman tells her husband “Don’t just run to the buffet table and fill your plate with food. You should know better and that’s just rude”. In the example “don’t” is a demand, “you should know better” is a criticism and “that’s just rude” is a judgement. This will immediately put her husband in defense mode and he will not really consider what she has stated. Most likely he will either excuse, deny or worse yet tell her about something he thinks that she has done wrong.
What should the woman say? “Honey, I just want to let you know that when you run to the buffet and fill your plate to the brim, it makes me feel sad. Sad because I know what a great guy you are and I know that some will think badly of you. I am very proud of you and love you very much and I want others to see you as I do. Is this something you think you could stop doing for my sake?”
An American husband gets married to a French woman who when greeting her close male friends, always kisses them on the cheek. The husband tells his wife “Stop kissing your male friends, don’t you know that Americans don’t do that. You should only be kissing your husband or your kids”. In this example “stop kissing your male friends” is a demand, “don’t you know that Americans don’t do that” is a criticism and “You should only be kissing your husband or your kids” is a judgement. Most likely she will either excuse, deny or worse yet tell him about something she thinks he has done wrong.
What should the man say? “Honey, I think you know that I tend to be jealous. I know that in France it is the custom to kiss everyone and I get that. I just want to let you know that when you do that with your male friends it makes me jealous. I know it means nothing to you and there is nothing wrong with it, but it does bother me. Do you think you could stop doing that? I won’t mind if you use me as an excuse, because of my jealously.”
In conclusion, imparting to your spouse your concern for their wellbeing is paramount without judging, criticizing, or demanding anything of them. Don’t make the problem about them, but about how it is effecting you and how it makes you feel. This can be the most effective way for them to consider what you are communicating.
Goodboy
The most important thing for a marriage is true love as defined in the bible. In case the reader is not aware of the 15 things the bible states about love, here they are.
1 Corinthians 13:4 Love is kind and patient, never jealous, boastful, proud, or
1 Corinthians 13:5 rude. Love isn't selfish or quick tempered. It doesn't keep a record of wrongs that others do.
1 Corinthians 13:6 Love rejoices in the truth, but not in evil.
1 Corinthians 13:7 Love is always supportive, loyal, hopeful, and trusting.
If you follow what the bible says regarding love, you will most likely have a good marriage. However, after love another main problem in marriages is lack of proper communication.
Studies have shown that a lack of honest communication is a major cause of problems in a marriage. So, we need to ask ourselves why is it so hard to have open and honest discussions with the person we love? I would submit that many times our primary motive for communicating is to talk “at” rather than “with” our spouse. Our interaction many times involves judgement, criticism and demands with an ultimate goal of forcing our spouse to change their behavior.
Communication is about perception and the way in which one processes information. It’s easy to misinterpret intent, which can cause one to be defensive and at that point shut down and stop considering what is being said.
A woman tells her husband “Don’t just run to the buffet table and fill your plate with food. You should know better and that’s just rude”. In the example “don’t” is a demand, “you should know better” is a criticism and “that’s just rude” is a judgement. This will immediately put her husband in defense mode and he will not really consider what she has stated. Most likely he will either excuse, deny or worse yet tell her about something he thinks that she has done wrong.
What should the woman say? “Honey, I just want to let you know that when you run to the buffet and fill your plate to the brim, it makes me feel sad. Sad because I know what a great guy you are and I know that some will think badly of you. I am very proud of you and love you very much and I want others to see you as I do. Is this something you think you could stop doing for my sake?”
An American husband gets married to a French woman who when greeting her close male friends, always kisses them on the cheek. The husband tells his wife “Stop kissing your male friends, don’t you know that Americans don’t do that. You should only be kissing your husband or your kids”. In this example “stop kissing your male friends” is a demand, “don’t you know that Americans don’t do that” is a criticism and “You should only be kissing your husband or your kids” is a judgement. Most likely she will either excuse, deny or worse yet tell him about something she thinks he has done wrong.
What should the man say? “Honey, I think you know that I tend to be jealous. I know that in France it is the custom to kiss everyone and I get that. I just want to let you know that when you do that with your male friends it makes me jealous. I know it means nothing to you and there is nothing wrong with it, but it does bother me. Do you think you could stop doing that? I won’t mind if you use me as an excuse, because of my jealously.”
In conclusion, imparting to your spouse your concern for their wellbeing is paramount without judging, criticizing, or demanding anything of them. Don’t make the problem about them, but about how it is effecting you and how it makes you feel. This can be the most effective way for them to consider what you are communicating.
Goodboy
